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Literature Text
Birth
Right out of Mommy.
I look into her eyes and
can’t be mistaken:
She loves me so much.
Where’s Dad? I don’t remember
the man being there.
Crawling
So cute. That’s what they
say at mommy’s work. Their names?
Couldn’t remember.
First step
On video “to
remember,” Mommy tells me.
Lost it in the move.
Grandma's death
I was too young to
remember. Mommy says she
was a nice lady.
First day at school
is where I meet my
best friend, Johnny Harper. We'll
always be best friends.
Thirteen
Some man shows up at
our doorstep. Says he’s my dad
or something, I guess…
Mommy tells him off.
Ain’t seen him since…couldn’t pick
him out in a crowd.
Seventeen
Bye virginity.
Chloe Pantanos. I won’t
ever forget her.
Nineteen
First day at work. My
whole life's ahead. Time to make
a name of myself.
Naomi Tucker
The woman of my
dreams, and she is my soul mate.
Two year’s time, she’ll be
Naomi Bruckbaur
In a year’s time, no
one will remember she was
Naomi Tucker.
Brenda
Right out of mommy.
She looks into our eyes and
can’t be mistaken:
We love her so much.
She'll remember me, cuz I'm
the first one she sees.
Reunion
Some guy comes up to
me claiming he knows me. Name
was Johnny-Something…
Chloe Pantanos
The bitch forgot who
I was. I guess that cherries
mean nothing to sluts.
Mommy's death
Brenda's too young to
remember. I tell her she
was a nice lady.
Divorce
Naomi doesn’t
love me anymore. She won’t
want to remember.
Retirement
35 years of
servitude. No party. No
“Ciao!” Just a paycheck.
Death
Mediocre in
its simplicity. Only
Brenda and her son
sit by my bed to
watch my life expire. The last
of my legacy.
After life
With Brenda went my
mother’s memory. And with
her son, mine only
remained by name: His.
After him, I fade. Might as
well not existed.
Right out of Mommy.
I look into her eyes and
can’t be mistaken:
She loves me so much.
Where’s Dad? I don’t remember
the man being there.
Crawling
So cute. That’s what they
say at mommy’s work. Their names?
Couldn’t remember.
First step
On video “to
remember,” Mommy tells me.
Lost it in the move.
Grandma's death
I was too young to
remember. Mommy says she
was a nice lady.
First day at school
is where I meet my
best friend, Johnny Harper. We'll
always be best friends.
Thirteen
Some man shows up at
our doorstep. Says he’s my dad
or something, I guess…
Mommy tells him off.
Ain’t seen him since…couldn’t pick
him out in a crowd.
Seventeen
Bye virginity.
Chloe Pantanos. I won’t
ever forget her.
Nineteen
First day at work. My
whole life's ahead. Time to make
a name of myself.
Naomi Tucker
The woman of my
dreams, and she is my soul mate.
Two year’s time, she’ll be
Naomi Bruckbaur
In a year’s time, no
one will remember she was
Naomi Tucker.
Brenda
Right out of mommy.
She looks into our eyes and
can’t be mistaken:
We love her so much.
She'll remember me, cuz I'm
the first one she sees.
Reunion
Some guy comes up to
me claiming he knows me. Name
was Johnny-Something…
Chloe Pantanos
The bitch forgot who
I was. I guess that cherries
mean nothing to sluts.
Mommy's death
Brenda's too young to
remember. I tell her she
was a nice lady.
Divorce
Naomi doesn’t
love me anymore. She won’t
want to remember.
Retirement
35 years of
servitude. No party. No
“Ciao!” Just a paycheck.
Death
Mediocre in
its simplicity. Only
Brenda and her son
sit by my bed to
watch my life expire. The last
of my legacy.
After life
With Brenda went my
mother’s memory. And with
her son, mine only
remained by name: His.
After him, I fade. Might as
well not existed.
Suggested Collections
Poem about the life of a human being and how easy it is for your memory to fade and disappear…not as fast as it takes for your memory to solidify…but eventually, everything goes cold.
323 words
18 themes with 23 stanzas/haiku
Any sort of critique would be wonderful.
::EDIT::
Thanks for all the feedback on the piece! I was trying to place a sense of memory and how it can be forgotten in each theme. Kind of like "Well, this happens to everybody. What makes you so special?" sort of ideal. I hope I got it out with this edit.
4/24/09
Getting ready for submission.
Added another theme to cut down the awkward 2 haiku themes and reworked some lines.
323 words
18 themes with 23 stanzas/haiku
Any sort of critique would be wonderful.
::EDIT::
Thanks for all the feedback on the piece! I was trying to place a sense of memory and how it can be forgotten in each theme. Kind of like "Well, this happens to everybody. What makes you so special?" sort of ideal. I hope I got it out with this edit.
4/24/09
Getting ready for submission.
Added another theme to cut down the awkward 2 haiku themes and reworked some lines.
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Comments22
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Okay, I love the simplicity of this, remember that through the stabbing that follows...
When you say "Mommy's Death" then "Divorce", I'm really lost, wasn't it Naomi who gave birth to Brenda, so how does he divorce a dead woman? That part is kind of confusing. Do you mean his mother died and his telling his child about his mom? You need to elaborate on that or it's just a pile of knots.
At the ending, I'm lost when you say "mine" and "his"... Are you saying the grandkid will only remember his grandfather as just a guy in the tree and not as a person or anyone at all?
Personally, I wish you expand more of his later life. Even though many people think 40 somethings in cubicles are just living in a phase and the fun dies... There's something there. This reminds me of American Beauty, the movie. If you haven't seen it, watch it, it gives a lot to those who have lost sex XD
I know you tried to keep it simble, but then it became kind of choppy and dead in parts. It feels segmented, like a choped up worm, not a flowing line of life. More flow... For instance, stick more of later life, what his job was, meeting his grandkid for the first time, maybe divorce proceedings and a reason why divorce happened. Divorce is not like a cold, it's more like... cancer, something happened, maybe long ago, it matastizied, then killed. It can be pretty slow and agonizing. Give it a stanza to say a why.
But... *hug* Lovely.
When you say "Mommy's Death" then "Divorce", I'm really lost, wasn't it Naomi who gave birth to Brenda, so how does he divorce a dead woman? That part is kind of confusing. Do you mean his mother died and his telling his child about his mom? You need to elaborate on that or it's just a pile of knots.
At the ending, I'm lost when you say "mine" and "his"... Are you saying the grandkid will only remember his grandfather as just a guy in the tree and not as a person or anyone at all?
Personally, I wish you expand more of his later life. Even though many people think 40 somethings in cubicles are just living in a phase and the fun dies... There's something there. This reminds me of American Beauty, the movie. If you haven't seen it, watch it, it gives a lot to those who have lost sex XD
I know you tried to keep it simble, but then it became kind of choppy and dead in parts. It feels segmented, like a choped up worm, not a flowing line of life. More flow... For instance, stick more of later life, what his job was, meeting his grandkid for the first time, maybe divorce proceedings and a reason why divorce happened. Divorce is not like a cold, it's more like... cancer, something happened, maybe long ago, it matastizied, then killed. It can be pretty slow and agonizing. Give it a stanza to say a why.
But... *hug* Lovely.